


All That You Meant To Me

by TongueTiedRaven



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Adopted Children, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Father-Son Relationship, Fatherhood, Focused on Rin & Shirou's Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Melancholy, Minor Kirigakure Shura, Minor Okumura Yukio, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28140177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TongueTiedRaven/pseuds/TongueTiedRaven
Summary: The worddadwas something that had always been important to Rin. Well, sort of. It had become importantafter.He’d thought about it some when he got to be eleven but mostly in a vague ‘wonder if my birth father was angry like me’ kinda way. He’d squashed the thoughts because Shirou’s encouragement had been a lot more important than that. Shirou had taught him he could get control of the anger and it wouldn’t matter if anyone else in his birth family had been angry.No, that nameless, faceless dude was just his birth father. The worddadhad always been reserved for one person in Rin’s life.Rin might have called Shirou a lot of other things but in his mind? Rin always called him dad.
Relationships: Fujimoto Shirou & Okumura Rin, Okumura Rin/Suguro "Bon" Ryuuji
Comments: 16
Kudos: 94
Collections: Ao no Exorcist Secret Santa 2020





	All That You Meant To Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lilynete](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilynete/gifts).



The word _dad_ was something that had always been important to Rin. He’d managed to go through a decade his life without struggling with it. After all, Rin had always known he was adopted. The old man had made certain both him and Yukio were aware of two things. 1) He'd adopted them. 2) They were his kids.

He’d thought about it some when he got to be eleven but mostly in a vague ‘wonder if my birth father was angry’ kinda way. He’d squashed the thoughts because Shirou’s words had been a lot more important than that. Shirou had taught him he could get control of the anger and it wouldn’t matter if anyone else in his birth family had been angry.

No, that nameless, faceless dude was just his birth father. The word _dad_ had always been reserved for one person in Rin’s life.

Rin had called Shirou a lot of things. Old Man was the most common in the last years, but fart, Fujimoto, Shirou, and Father (in the priestly sense) had also been on that list. 

In his mind though? Rin always called him dad.

_Dad would have laughed at that. Yukio sounded like dad just then. Dad always said to ask questions. I get why dad always wore his pin around his neck._

_I miss you dad._

It was a word he hadn't given a lot of thought for a while. It had buzzed around his mind incessantly right... right after. It screamed through his mind on that dark night and it played on repeat when he was hiding his origins. It faded briefly when everyone knew only to spring right back into focus when Mephisto showed him the history of the Blue Night.

It faded to the back of his mind as he got older, never quite going away. It was a constant hum, not too loud but enough to occasionally make his heart ache.

Then Rin had said yes to dating Ryuuji and eventually yes to marrying Ryuuji, and he could help but think: _What would dad say?_

That was when the word came back and even when he wasn’t focusing on it, it was still floating around his mind. There was _so_ much to prepare and-despite how warm and welcoming Ryuuji's family was, and how hard Yukio and Shura worked to fill the gaps- Shirou's absence seemed louder. 

* * *

Ryuuji passed him the forms he had to fill out for the official adoption and his hand started to shake as he wrote his name out for one of the last times. _Rin Okumura._

Stupid Japan and their stupid laws against gay marriage. Stupid customs that made the only loop hole adoption. Stupid laws that were taking his last name away just because Ryuuji was older.

He’d watched his dad give him that name. He’d seen him write it out in his messy script and he couldn’t help but think, _would dad be upset? Would he think Rin was replacing him?_

It was the second time he’d been adopted and he felt like it was disrespecting Shirou somehow.

“I know,” Ryuuji whispered and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “I know.” He was hugged close and shut his eyes as Ryuuji held him. “I’m sorry.” 

“I don’t want to hurt him.” Rin hiccuped against Ryuuji’s shoulder. His fiance squeezed him closer and kissed his hair. 

“You’re still his kid.” Another kiss. “You’ll always be his kid.”

Ryuuji was right but he still couldn’t help but pray it didn’t upset his dad.

* * *

The day came and everything was exactly like he’d imagined. Yukio helped him with his tie, a smile on his lips. “This brings back so many memories.”

“How so?”

Yukio laughed softly. “Dad used to tie your ties for you. Hey,” his smile got bigger, “Remember how dad would make us hide the alcohol on wedding days so we didn’t have a repeat of the Satos?” 

Rin broke down laughing and hugged his twin even as his eyes welled with tears. He missed Shirou so much.

“Hey,” Shura said later, eyes slightly damp and sincere, “He’d have had so much fun embarrassing you during all of this.” She slung her arm around his neck and reeled him in to a choking hug. “Guess I’ll just have to do it for him.” 

She had, her voice bubbly with laughter even while Rin ignited in embarrassment at her stories. He couldn’t imagine what his dad would have done. She was right, he’d have had a blast embarrassing Rin.

Tatsuma passed him a drink during the hiroen with a sad smile. “He would be so proud of the man you are.”

Rin hoped it was true. He wanted his dad to be proud.

* * *

The word faded to the back of his mind after the wedding, never quite gone but quieter. When it did pop up it would because he saw something or heard something. He was talking to a lower class Exorcist one day and heard himself use a phrase his dad had regularly used and he just stopped. His entire mind went _huh_ , and he’d continued on torn between amusement, alarm (he loved his dad but turning into him would always be a yipes) and a lingering sadness. 

On a different day he saw Yukio in a uniform and noticed he held himself like dad used to and that was something he couldn’t unsee for a long time. 

Then came the day when Ryuuji plopped down across from him at their kotatsu. His husband reached across the table top and grabbed his hands and Rin sat up at attention. Ryuuji sat differently when it was time for serious talks.

“I… I think it’s time we started talking about the adopting thing.” 

And just like that, the word came roaring back to the front of his mind. _Like dad._

Ryuuji didn’t say anything more. He held Rin’s hands and watched him with patient eyes because Ryuuji had learned that sometimes Rin’s brain needed a moment to process things. Especially big, emotional, things.

Rin swallowed, his tail flicked through the air, and he had to swallow again. “Yeah.” He finally managed and his chest felt too tight. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Ryuuji’s thumbs caressed the back of his hands. “Good, I’d like it too.”

“Can… Can we look into, uh, other halflings?”

Ryuuji’s expression went soft in a way that made Rin’s throat burn and his eyes damp. “Yeah,” his husband murmured, “we absolutely can.” He leaned forward, elbows resting on the table, and kissed the corner of Rin’s mouth. “What age?”

“I… Don’t know? I don’t really care, I guess?”

“I’d like someone younger, probably, but I don’t mind if we adopt an older one as well.” Ryuuji grinned mischievously. “If they’re as stubborn as you we’ll have to brace ourselves for the teenage years.”

Rin snorted. “I wasn’t that bad, punk.”

Ryuuji shuffled around so they were on the same side and wrapped his arm around Rin’s waist. They kept the technical talk to a minimum that night. Instead they talked about the fun stuff. Names they liked, how they’d decorate the room, how many they wanted, what kind of games they could play together… Rin got really excited about the idea of teaching them (he had no real idea who they were but he was already falling in love) to cook and the memories started to drift through his mind. 

_Like this, Rin. Don’t hold it so tightly. You’ll hurt yourself. You gotta be careful with the knife._

_Hold on, I’ll show you how. Good job! Just like that!_

_Rin, did you come up with this yourself? Great idea!_

He could do that. He could get a stool just like Shirou had given him and he could show them how to do it all.

Ryuuji gushed about silly things like schools and education but Rin could forgive him for that. He saw his husband’s eyes dance at the idea of teaching them the prayers.

* * *

Unsurprisingly, True Cross had an adoption agency they worked exclusively with and they didn’t require a lot of paperwork. They required a fair chunk of money for fully human children, but the more demonic the blood, the less money required. The agency reasoned that dangerous children shouldn’t cost as much. They made it sound like: _aren’t worth as much._

Rin didn’t have to get upset about that because everyone around him he loved got _furious._

He couldn’t help but wonder if his dad had paid for him and Yukio. Probably not since Mephisto did shady shit with all of that. Rin knew he’d had to fill out the paperwork though. He’d watched him do it.

Fun times.

_“What am I doing?” Shirou muttered, hand in his white hair, “I’m not a dad. Hell. I didn’t even have one.” He slumped, hand dragging over his face with exhaustion. “Damn it. I can’t do this.”_

Shirou had done it though. He’d done a great job of it. 

Would Rin?

* * *

It hit Rin out of the blue part way through the paperwork. It was stupid of him to have taken so long to put it together but Rin had never claimed to be smart.

Rin didn’t know how to be a father. Rin was a halfling that had gotten his dad killed by Satan himself. Rin could barely keep himself together, how was he supposed to take care of kids? What if he lost his temper again? What if he failed?

Ryuuji found him during the following panic attack and sat with him. Rin clung to his husband, hiccuping out frightened breaths and utterly unable to explain the dread he had about failing. All he could manage was, “What if they hate me?”

Ryuuji wrapped a broad hand around his head and tugged him far enough away that they could look at each other's eyes. “They won’t. They’ll love you.”

Rin worked his mouth but he couldn’t say the words. Ryuuji heard them anyway. The same dark spot that had hung over his entire life. _I’m the son of Satan._

“Hey, listen to me.” Ryuuji ordered, voice soft and grip steady, “he wasn’t your dad.” 

Rin was helpless to stop the memory or the tears. _“This boy is MY son! And I’m taking him back!”_

His dad had meant every word. 

“I-I’m not-”

“You are.” Ryuuji grabbed his shoulders and held him tight. “You’re gonna do it right. That fucker wasn’t your father. Shirou was your father.”

No. Shirou was his dad and now Rin was going to be one and he was scared he’d fail.

“Hey,” Ryuuji slid his hand up Rin’s shoulder to cup his neck and his thumb brushed against Rin’s jaw, “hey, listen. I’m scared too. We’re not gonna get it perfect. We don’t have to. My dad messed up and I turned out okay. He loves me and I know it. Shirou loved you and you know it.”

Rin nodded even though Ryuuji hadn’t been asking a question. “Yeah.”

“Damn right, ‘yeah’. Our kids are gonna love you too because you’re their dad and-”

 _Dad_. Rin missed whatever else his husband was trying to say because he could never be everything that Shriou was.

Would his kid call him dad? Rin wasn’t a dad. Shirou was a dad.

Ryuuji realized he’d lost Rin and hugged him close. “I’m here. I’ve got you.” He promised. Rin sobbed against Ryuuji’s shoulder because Ryuuji couldn’t understand. He’d never met Shirou he-

Rin’s children would never meet Shirou. They’d never know how incredible Rin’s dad was and how great his laugh was or how cringe-worthy his jokes were or how he always smelled a little of incense and cheap cigarettes. They wouldn’t know he always fell asleep in a chair and complained endlessly about his back hurting like the two weren’t related. They wouldn’t know how good his rice balls were or that he was able to make Yukio laugh hard enough to spray juice out of his nose.

They’d never know him. 

“Rin,” Ryuuji called, coaxing him out of his spiraling thoughts, “you’re going to be great. Who your father was won’t change that. They won’t know you as the Son of Satan or any of that. They’ll know you as their father. They’ll know you as their goofy, kinda embarrassing parent. They’re gonna love you so damn much Rin. Just like me.” Ryuuji brushed his hair out of his eyes and cupped his cheeks. 

He didn’t say anything else for a moment. Rin couldn’t look away though. Ryuuji’s gaze was steady and certain. He kept his hands cupped around Rin’s cheek and brought their foreheads together.

“You’re gonna do him proud, Rin. Just like you always have.” Ryuuji promised and Rin wanted to believe him.

* * *

After too much paperwork and a horribly large amount of legal hoops, Rin finally had their baby. He didn’t even care that a three year old didn’t really count as a baby. Yuna was his baby and the world could suck it. 

Yuna was a beautiful little spit fire with golden eyes and way too much energy for any child. She was utterly fascinated by Rin’s tail and Ryuuji’s piercings. She chose a bubble gum pink for her bedroom color and had an undying love for stuffed animals. Rin and Ryuuji were both weak for her pleading face and she ended up with an embarrassingly large pile of them by the end of her first week.

(Rin got it. He still had the stuffed owl Shirou had given him for his fourth birthday.)

It took some time to adjust to life with a daughter but they did. He set extra places at dinner, and Ryuuji went _crazy_ on safety proofing everything in the house. There were suddenly toys everywhere and Rin was watching a lot of children shows with annoyingly catchy songs. 

Rin loved her immediately and found himself falling more and more in love everyday.

It was four weeks in when it happened. Yuna looked up at him with big eyes, her smile huge, and said “Pick me up, papa!”

Rin’s arms moved to scoop her up while his mind reeled. He squeezed her close, bouncing her in his arms and he was struck by how strong his memory of Shirou doing the same thing was.

Rin took her to the kitchen, holding her on his hip and wrapping his tail around her so she was extra secure. He set to preparing dinner and let her hold the whisk. 

_Papa_. She had called him papa without hesitating and reached up for him because she knew he’d pick her up. 

“Rin?” Ryuuji’s voice came from the hall and was followed by the sound of a door shutting. He called out to let his husband know he was in the kitchen. Ryuuji padded into the room with a gentle smile and opened his arms for a hug that Rin and Yuna eagerly returned.

“Hey babe,” Ryuuji kissed him and squeezed his hip. He turned his attention to Yuna with a cheerful smile. “Hey, sweetheart, how are you doing?”

“Papa lettin’ me cook!” The three year old exclaimed with the biggest of smiles. 

“Really? Well aren’t you a big girl.” 

“Think we can teach Ryuuji?” Rin asked around the lump that was building in his throat. 

Yuna’s face furrowed in serious consideration and the lump got thicker as Ryuuji laughed. 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence. Tell ya what; how about we work on rolling the dough out together?” He grinned at Rin and squeezed his hand. “Bet he could teach us both.”

Five minutes later there was flour _everywhere._ Ryuuji even had it in his hair somehow. Yuna squealed and declared that he looked like papa and that _she_ wanted to look like papa too. Ryuuji wasn’t quick enough to stop her from dumping cups of flour over her head and on the floor. Rin fell over on the table, tears streaming down his face as he laughed until it hurt. Yuna joined in, her giddy giggle making Ryuuji chuckle until they were all laughing in a pile together. His filling burned and they ended up having to redo the entire thing and Rin didn’t care.

He was a papa and he had a baby girl and a husband and he loved them so damn much.

* * *

“Da _,”_ Yuna whined as Ryuuji cracked an egg on the counter. Neither of them had noticed Rin standing in the doorway yet. Normally he’d rush in and help because Ryuuji really was the worst at making breakfast but it was his birthday and he knew it meant a lot to his husband and daughter that they surprised him with food. 

“What,” Ryuuji grumbled in mock annoyance. Yuna popped a hand on her hip and tried to look stern.

“You’re gonna make the eggs _cry.”_ She stated with a pout. 

Rin’s mouth popped open and he sucked in a sharp breath as something in his chest throbbed because he hadn’t realized he’d taught her that.

_“Rin,” a laugh from his dad, “don’t be so rough! You’re gonna make the eggs cry.” Rin had stuck out his lip and dropped the non shattered eggs in the bowl. Shirou nodded approvingly. “Good job!” Rin beamed and grabbed the whisk. He shoved it in the bowl and straight through the bottom of the plastic container._

_Shirou laughed and ruffled his hair. “You’ll make the bowl cry too.”_

“Rin?” 

He shook his head, a smile lifting his lips. “What’re you two trouble makers doing?”

Ryuuji eyed him in a way that made it obvious he knew there was more going on than Rin was letting on.

“Makin’ breakfast, papa!” Yuna exclaimed with an excited bounce that made her apron flutter. She paused mid bounce and frowned. “It’s supposed to be a surprise.”

“It is, pumpkin.” Rin assured as he shuffled into the room. Ryuuji pulled him into a partial hug and kissed his cheek. He returned the hug and kiss to reassure Ryuuji because it really was okay. It was better than okay. He was a papa and a husband and so blessed.

Yuna gave him a hug and promptly tried to shove him back out of the kitchen. He went, laughing, and heard Yuna complain about Ryuuji being too rough with the eggs again. 

Rin went to the dining room and sat down with a smile. The ache was there, not as sharp as it had once been, and warmer than when he’d been younger. It was mingling with the giddy joy in his chest that came from seeing Ryuuji and Yuna making breakfast together for him. It wasn't exactly a sad feeling any more, even if it wasn't a happy one. It was an ache, of course, but closer to the dull throb he'd feel after a really intense workout. A healing kind of a hurt.

 _You’ll make the eggs cry._

Shirou would have been proud of them all.

* * *

The word _dad_ was something that would always be important to Rin. It was what he would always think of Shirou as, because Shirou had been a really great dad. 

Rin though? Rin was a papa and he loved the word and the way Yuna would shout it when she was excited, or whisper it when she was tired. She called him papa when she gave him a hug and she’d call him it casually like it wasn’t one of the greatest things that had happened in his life.

Rin was a papa and there was nothing he'd rather be.

**Author's Note:**

> This ended up a lot sadder than I intended... Anyway, Merriest of Christmases to lilynete!


End file.
